To my little sister who has decided to marry the ARRANGED way!!

Today when you’re taking the most important decision of your life, my little sister, I would like to talk to you a little longer than usual. Not to give you advice or put pressure on you of any kind, for I know the pressure is already immense! The pressure of getting married- after you have finished university and have crossed 25!

Through his letter, I am rather trying to lighten some pressure off your shoulders!

Having closely seen two of our older sisters married as per their choice and the other two as per our family’s choice, we know that this decision alone doesn’t make a  huge difference to your long term happiness. None of our sisters are less or more happy than the other. You probably have rightly understood that decision making is only about choosing a path; and every path comes with its own struggle as well as rewards. I congratulate you on showing courageous and taking a step forward. You are right when you want to dictate terms for what type of future partner you want.

At this point in time, you are going through the roller coaster of excitement and anxiety. A moment when all the failed marriages, successful marriages, and everything in between flashes through your head confusing you like never before. You might be experiencing self-doubt. People around you would add on to your dilemma by expecting you to fit into their box. The box that says ‘smart and independent women never go for an arranged marriage. In these toiling times, little sister, let me tell you that YOU WILL BE FINE!

You will be ok, because you are an educated woman who has the ability decide, learn and grow. You know how to be respectful, you are flexible and adaptable too. I have seen you having a cordial tuning with all our family members even if you happen to disagree with some of them. You are known to care for your friends. Dear sister, let me tell you that the wisdom of life doesn’t lie in the ability to run a multibillion company but lies in the ability to love and forgive! Even the CEO’s had to learn to forgive and let go before they could become the top dogs! You have already mastered these two- you have a heart that can accept, and you can love unconditionally!

Remember, as a family we never want you to allow anyone to compromise on your freedom and self-respect!

You don’t have anyone special in your life, and therefore, you have nodded for an arranged partner. So, let the responsibility now fully be on your family’s shoulders. Let them do their job without any interference. Let them go out in all directions and find the right guy. Let there be no further bars after THE CASTE-BAR! Let them find the family that’s decent and economically stable. Let them find a boy they can trust with their instincts, for their daughter and my sister. No matter what area, city, or town he lives in, as these can be changed later if they need to be. Do not restrict your choices on a certain type of guy as long as he is educated and compassionate!

No matter how awkward this system of arranged marriages look to the outer world and even to you today, it is one of the many amazing old systems that has thrived on the strong social bonding and trust our forefathers had built within their communities. They kept their values high to create an entity their people could trust. It is now time to reap those hard-earned benefits. A system that’s been evolving for centuries cannot be underestimated!

Yes, this system has ugly sides too but do we ever make decisions based on those? No.
When confused- think positive, stay calm, and do your duty!!! You will never go wrong.

If your feminism takes a toll on you and throws stuff like -why do you have to leave your home and why not the guy!! Then let me tell you three things – one, this patriarchal society is not going to give us equal rights until we make ourselves strong contenders for our own rights. Two, this change is not happening in the next six months or a year, but you have decided to get married somewhere within this time frame. And three, this process is hard for the boy and his family too, not to the same extent but it is! Remember they have to share their space (house) with this stranger who just came yesterday and have started claiming everything to be hers (legally and morally)! Remember the night, two days before Bhai’s wedding amidst all the loud celebrations; we spent the night worrying ‘what if the girl is not right for our family?’ ‘What if she doesn’t care about us?’ What if…..”. That night was spent restlessly, and it was an arranged marriage! Same uneasiness people go through when they wed a person of their choice. They often ask themselves a hundred times if they are doing the right thing, the right way, the right time. ‘Yes’…. ‘But what if.’……?

It’s perfectly all right sometimes to have those thoughts. What matters is how you manage them.

You at this stage, are not expected to do much. So just relax! Enjoy your single-status with friends and gang. Eat,work, party, sleep, repeat! Work hard at your job because career is the only things that can change bad times into bearable ones! Take a Vodka shot (or two) if you’re not a boring Tea-Totaler like me! But don’t you worry! The basis of all healthy relationships is -love, forgiveness, and mutual respect irrespective of why or how the relationship started!

Love
Didi

Just a phone call away!